Dear Riegn,
I'm writing this on April 16, 2026, just a few days after your birthday. I'm sorry if I haven't greeted you on your special day, I just can't find the strength to do so. I'm currently taking Political Science here in Bicol University! This will serve as my pre-law program before I jump to law school. How are you? Are you okay? Did everything turn out to be good? Do you still want to become a cardiologist, or perhaps, still aspire to be a lawyer someday? I bet you're pursuing a doctorate or a post-graduate degree right now. I mean, you always want to be more, right? If not, then I'm pretty sure you're planning to get one. I found myself wondering about you today, the last time I checked your profile, you're on your second year in Psych, and it made me stay a moment. I realized how much the seasons have changed us. We’re getting older and we've both grown; we've grown so much that we aren’t who we used to be. It made me pause and realize that it really has been a long time, Riegn. It has indeed been a while since we last talked to each other.
The last was on October 2024, I remember there was a storm barging in our town that time, and it was quite very kind of you to ask me if I'm okay. We shared a few life stories that night, asking each other's lives after the break-up, and it truly made me happy how you let me see a glimpse of the person you’ve become. What caught me off guard that evening was my own insistence, how hard I tried to show you—or perhaps, tell myself—that I had moved on from what we once were. I played the part so well, even though my heart knew that they weren't true. It was all a lie. I do miss you. I always do.
I miss you today, Riegn. And I hate it because everything feels like a loop I can’t get out of, like I keep saying I’m okay, that I’ve moved on, that I’ve finally let go of whatever we had—but deep down, I know I’m lying to myself. And it’s frustrating, you know? It’s so frustrating to be aware of it and still not be able to do anything about it. I keep waking up with the same thoughts, the same weight in my chest, like nothing really changed even though everything already did. People say time makes things easier, that eventually you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much—but what if time is passing and it still feels the same? What if you’re trying, really trying, and yet you’re still stuck in the exact place where you lost them? I just don’t understand why I’m still holding on to something that doesn’t even exist anymore. Why am I still here, stuck in something that already ended? I already know we don’t have a chance anymore. I’ve accepted it in my mind so many times, I’ve repeated it to myself like a script I’m forced to memorize, but my heart just refuses to follow. It’s like no matter how much I try to convince myself, there’s still a part of me that keeps hoping, keeps waiting, keeps holding on to something that’s long gone. And I hate it. I hate how whenever I try to entertain someone new, it feels wrong. It feels like I’m betraying you, even though I know I’m not. Even though I know I have every right to move on. But why does it feel like cheating? Why does it feel like I’m doing something I’m not supposed to? Do you ever feel that too? Or is it just me, stuck in this one-sided attachment that I can’t seem to break? Because honestly, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to meet new people and still look for you in them. It’s exhausting to try and open up, only to realize my heart is still somewhere else—still with you. It’s exhausting to pretend I’m ready when I’m clearly not. And the worst part? I don’t even know if I want to be ready. Because a part of me is still choosing you, even when you’re no longer choosing me.
And it hurts because this yearning stays. It stays in the quiet moments, in the random memories, in the small things that remind me of you. It stays when I hear something that sounds like your voice, when I see something that feels like you, when I catch myself smiling at a memory that I can’t go back to anymore. It hurts to admit that. And maybe what makes it even harder to accept is that it's my fault. I was the one who was so scared of uncovering who I really was. I was the one who let you wonder and question if whether I'm real or not. I was the one who let you go because I couldn't tell you the truth—My secrecy is the reason why we even ended. I remember that moment so clearly, like it’s stuck in my head on repeat. The way I convinced myself that it was the right decision, that it was the best for the both of us.
The moment you told me that my anonymity is one of the reasons why you had to go, I keep replaying that moment in my head, over and over again, wondering what would’ve happened if I just told you. If I just stayed honest. If I just made up my mind and tell you my name. If I chose you instead of this pride. Would we still be okay? Would you still be here? Would we still be laughing, still talking, still choosing each other the way we used to? Or would we still end up the same, just a little later, just a little more lost? That question keeps haunting me. Because I’ll never really know. And that’s my biggest regret. Because I didn’t lose you to someone else at first—I lost you because of me. Because of a decision I can’t take back. Sometimes I’ll be talking to our friends, trying to be present in the moment, trying to see if maybe I'll forget about you. I’ll laugh at their jokes, respond to their messages, try to open myself up even just a little bit. And for a moment it almost feels normal, like maybe I’m finally moving forward. But then suddenly, without warning, a memory of you slips in. The way you used to talk. The way our conversations used to flow so easily. The small random things we used to share with each other. The moments that didn’t feel big or important back then, but somehow stayed with me longer than I expected. The memories don’t come loudly. They don’t crash into my mind all at once. They come quietly. Slowly. But they’re heavy enough to make me pause and realize something I don’t want to admit. That a part of me is still stuck somewhere in the past. And I hate that feeling more than anything. Because you already have someone else now. You’re already somewhere else, living your life, probably laughing and smiling with someone who isn’t me. You’ve already moved forward in a way that I’m still struggling to do. And I keep asking myself why my mind still does this. Why out of all the people in the world, you’re still the one my thoughts run back to when I’m trying so hard to move forward. Sometimes I wonder the most stupid things. Like when you hear a song we used to listen to, do you ever think about me for even just a second? When something reminds you of the past, do you ever pause the same way I do? Do you ever feel that weird quiet feeling in your chest when an old memory shows up out of nowhere? Or am I the only one here still carrying pieces of something that you’ve already let go of? Sometimes I catch myself thinking things I shouldn’t even be thinking about anymore. Like when you’re with him, when you’re talking to him, when you’re laughing with him, when you’re making new memories with someone new… do you ever have moments where you wish that it was me instead? Or am I just being completely delusional for even letting that thought exist in my head? maybe the fact that I’m even asking that question already tells me the answer. maybe the truth is actually simple. You moved forward. And I’m still somewhere in between. Not completely holding on, but not fully letting go either.
Now all I can do is sit here with everything I’m feeling and try to survive it, even when it feels like it’s slowly breaking me in ways I can’t even explain. and I’m trying. I really am. But there are days where it feels heavier than usual. Days where I miss you more than I should. Days where I wonder if you ever think about me the way I think about you. Days where I question if I was ever as important to you as you are to me. And I hate that I still care this much. I hate that even now, I still wish you well. I still hope you’re happy, even if it’s not with me. I still hope someone treats you right, gives you everything I couldn’t, loves you in ways you deserve. But at the same time… I wish it was me. And maybe that’s selfish. Maybe that’s unfair. But it’s honest. Because no matter how much I try to act like I’ve accepted everything, there’s still a part of me that wishes things were different. A part of me that wishes I didn’t make that decision. A part of me that wishes I could go back and choose you again, but this time, choose to stay and tell you everything I couldn't.
If you're reading this, ten or fifteen years from now, I may be fucked up right now with the thought of you, but know that I'll try and carry on. Perhaps that's why I'm writing this. To let it all out. To tell you how much I care. And to show you that some feelings need somewhere to exist. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll realize that the pain isn’t as heavy anymore. Maybe one day your name will just be a memory instead of something that still echoes in my mind. Maybe one day I’ll finally meet someone who doesn’t remind me of you. Maybe one day the past will stop following me into every new beginning. But right now, this is the truth. I really did try to move on. I just didn’t realize how much of you I was still carrying with me.
I will hold onto the dream of seeing you personally.
And by the time that happens, I hope you smile at me, Riegn.
I will wait...
-adadenonimoniko@gmail.com
I'm writing this on April 16, 2026, just a few days after your birthday. I'm sorry if I haven't greeted you on your special day, I just can't find the strength to do so. I'm currently taking Political Science here in Bicol University! This will serve as my pre-law program before I jump to law school. How are you? Are you okay? Did everything turn out to be good? Do you still want to become a cardiologist, or perhaps, still aspire to be a lawyer someday? I bet you're pursuing a doctorate or a post-graduate degree right now. I mean, you always want to be more, right? If not, then I'm pretty sure you're planning to get one. I found myself wondering about you today, the last time I checked your profile, you're on your second year in Psych, and it made me stay a moment. I realized how much the seasons have changed us. We’re getting older and we've both grown; we've grown so much that we aren’t who we used to be. It made me pause and realize that it really has been a long time, Riegn. It has indeed been a while since we last talked to each other.
The last was on October 2024, I remember there was a storm barging in our town that time, and it was quite very kind of you to ask me if I'm okay. We shared a few life stories that night, asking each other's lives after the break-up, and it truly made me happy how you let me see a glimpse of the person you’ve become. What caught me off guard that evening was my own insistence, how hard I tried to show you—or perhaps, tell myself—that I had moved on from what we once were. I played the part so well, even though my heart knew that they weren't true. It was all a lie. I do miss you. I always do.
I miss you today, Riegn. And I hate it because everything feels like a loop I can’t get out of, like I keep saying I’m okay, that I’ve moved on, that I’ve finally let go of whatever we had—but deep down, I know I’m lying to myself. And it’s frustrating, you know? It’s so frustrating to be aware of it and still not be able to do anything about it. I keep waking up with the same thoughts, the same weight in my chest, like nothing really changed even though everything already did. People say time makes things easier, that eventually you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much—but what if time is passing and it still feels the same? What if you’re trying, really trying, and yet you’re still stuck in the exact place where you lost them? I just don’t understand why I’m still holding on to something that doesn’t even exist anymore. Why am I still here, stuck in something that already ended? I already know we don’t have a chance anymore. I’ve accepted it in my mind so many times, I’ve repeated it to myself like a script I’m forced to memorize, but my heart just refuses to follow. It’s like no matter how much I try to convince myself, there’s still a part of me that keeps hoping, keeps waiting, keeps holding on to something that’s long gone. And I hate it. I hate how whenever I try to entertain someone new, it feels wrong. It feels like I’m betraying you, even though I know I’m not. Even though I know I have every right to move on. But why does it feel like cheating? Why does it feel like I’m doing something I’m not supposed to? Do you ever feel that too? Or is it just me, stuck in this one-sided attachment that I can’t seem to break? Because honestly, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting to meet new people and still look for you in them. It’s exhausting to try and open up, only to realize my heart is still somewhere else—still with you. It’s exhausting to pretend I’m ready when I’m clearly not. And the worst part? I don’t even know if I want to be ready. Because a part of me is still choosing you, even when you’re no longer choosing me.
And it hurts because this yearning stays. It stays in the quiet moments, in the random memories, in the small things that remind me of you. It stays when I hear something that sounds like your voice, when I see something that feels like you, when I catch myself smiling at a memory that I can’t go back to anymore. It hurts to admit that. And maybe what makes it even harder to accept is that it's my fault. I was the one who was so scared of uncovering who I really was. I was the one who let you wonder and question if whether I'm real or not. I was the one who let you go because I couldn't tell you the truth—My secrecy is the reason why we even ended. I remember that moment so clearly, like it’s stuck in my head on repeat. The way I convinced myself that it was the right decision, that it was the best for the both of us.
The moment you told me that my anonymity is one of the reasons why you had to go, I keep replaying that moment in my head, over and over again, wondering what would’ve happened if I just told you. If I just stayed honest. If I just made up my mind and tell you my name. If I chose you instead of this pride. Would we still be okay? Would you still be here? Would we still be laughing, still talking, still choosing each other the way we used to? Or would we still end up the same, just a little later, just a little more lost? That question keeps haunting me. Because I’ll never really know. And that’s my biggest regret. Because I didn’t lose you to someone else at first—I lost you because of me. Because of a decision I can’t take back. Sometimes I’ll be talking to our friends, trying to be present in the moment, trying to see if maybe I'll forget about you. I’ll laugh at their jokes, respond to their messages, try to open myself up even just a little bit. And for a moment it almost feels normal, like maybe I’m finally moving forward. But then suddenly, without warning, a memory of you slips in. The way you used to talk. The way our conversations used to flow so easily. The small random things we used to share with each other. The moments that didn’t feel big or important back then, but somehow stayed with me longer than I expected. The memories don’t come loudly. They don’t crash into my mind all at once. They come quietly. Slowly. But they’re heavy enough to make me pause and realize something I don’t want to admit. That a part of me is still stuck somewhere in the past. And I hate that feeling more than anything. Because you already have someone else now. You’re already somewhere else, living your life, probably laughing and smiling with someone who isn’t me. You’ve already moved forward in a way that I’m still struggling to do. And I keep asking myself why my mind still does this. Why out of all the people in the world, you’re still the one my thoughts run back to when I’m trying so hard to move forward. Sometimes I wonder the most stupid things. Like when you hear a song we used to listen to, do you ever think about me for even just a second? When something reminds you of the past, do you ever pause the same way I do? Do you ever feel that weird quiet feeling in your chest when an old memory shows up out of nowhere? Or am I the only one here still carrying pieces of something that you’ve already let go of? Sometimes I catch myself thinking things I shouldn’t even be thinking about anymore. Like when you’re with him, when you’re talking to him, when you’re laughing with him, when you’re making new memories with someone new… do you ever have moments where you wish that it was me instead? Or am I just being completely delusional for even letting that thought exist in my head? maybe the fact that I’m even asking that question already tells me the answer. maybe the truth is actually simple. You moved forward. And I’m still somewhere in between. Not completely holding on, but not fully letting go either.
Now all I can do is sit here with everything I’m feeling and try to survive it, even when it feels like it’s slowly breaking me in ways I can’t even explain. and I’m trying. I really am. But there are days where it feels heavier than usual. Days where I miss you more than I should. Days where I wonder if you ever think about me the way I think about you. Days where I question if I was ever as important to you as you are to me. And I hate that I still care this much. I hate that even now, I still wish you well. I still hope you’re happy, even if it’s not with me. I still hope someone treats you right, gives you everything I couldn’t, loves you in ways you deserve. But at the same time… I wish it was me. And maybe that’s selfish. Maybe that’s unfair. But it’s honest. Because no matter how much I try to act like I’ve accepted everything, there’s still a part of me that wishes things were different. A part of me that wishes I didn’t make that decision. A part of me that wishes I could go back and choose you again, but this time, choose to stay and tell you everything I couldn't.
If you're reading this, ten or fifteen years from now, I may be fucked up right now with the thought of you, but know that I'll try and carry on. Perhaps that's why I'm writing this. To let it all out. To tell you how much I care. And to show you that some feelings need somewhere to exist. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll realize that the pain isn’t as heavy anymore. Maybe one day your name will just be a memory instead of something that still echoes in my mind. Maybe one day I’ll finally meet someone who doesn’t remind me of you. Maybe one day the past will stop following me into every new beginning. But right now, this is the truth. I really did try to move on. I just didn’t realize how much of you I was still carrying with me.
I will hold onto the dream of seeing you personally.
And by the time that happens, I hope you smile at me, Riegn.
I will wait...
-adadenonimoniko@gmail.com
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